Diary of a Werewolf
If you asked the average person, “What is goth?” they would probably paint you a picture of someone with dark makeup, dark clothes, and then throw in The Smiths and The Cure in there along with maybe Dracula. Ask someone who is in the community, “What is goth?” they will first follow up with “What kind?” followed by an overarching and encompassing definition that is along the lines of “Someone who dresses in a more darker fashion sense, listens to goth music, and is more than likely left leaning.” Both of these definitions allow these Cam girls in our community, as they should be allowed in these communities.
Fetish goth has always been a thing, Latex, rubber, leather, dominatrix, vamp, it has all been around. What also has been around is sex workers , with this fetish goth life style. Goths back in the day were not heavily accepted like now. To find a job where you could dress how you liked was impossible, even if you didn’t dress like that, if you had been known to dress like that, you were still profiled as a satanic cult member who has maybe killed someone. Therefore a lot of goths resorted to sex work. A lot of them. Some worked corners while others made pornography.
The idea that “cam girls are ruining the goth community” is not only sexist, but just incorrect. Sex selling goths have always been a thing, this isn’t a new concept. Also it has never not once ruined the community ever. It remained strong and survived again and again.
The reason why people have been saying that they gave been ruining goth is a few, but the first one I will mention is “It’s not even real goth.” As yes, yes it is goth. Goth has so many different looks, a black dress with black lipstick with black hair can in fact be goth. If you don’t agree with that then please make sure you don’t think Abby from NCIS is goth, because she even wears color and more stricter goths don’t even think you can be goth if you wear color. Goth can be simple. Not every goth is going to look goth every day of the week also. It is idiotic to say that these women are not goth simply because it is not a form of goth you are not used to. Corporate goth is a very similar style, but truthfully these cam girls are reinventing a version of fetish goth. Which is valid.
The next reason I see people say they are not real goths due to them “Not interacting with the goth community.” This is so quick to dispel as they do interact with the goth community, they interact within their own goth fetish community. It is very common for goths to hang out with similar goths. It is as simple as that. You don’t know what they listen to in their free time or read in their free time. They could be listening to other genres or reading other genres of goth in their free time.
Another common reason I see being said is “But they arn’t left” I have stated this multiple times, you do not have to be left to be alternative, denying this actively makes you part of the problem of erasing real issues we face. You denying this hurts young people in the community thinking this is a safe place and you are denying POC a voice to talk about the experiences in the community. Also the majority of sex workers are in fact left as they want more rights to continue to be able to do their line of work.
The last reason is purely the most sexist reason, “But they make it normal to sexualize goths.” Okay, so if a normal woman walks outside in a short skirt she is asking for it? She is normalizing being objectified? No. She isn’t. Blaming women for the fault of men (and sometimes other women) is disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself. A woman doing porn is not her allowing others to be sexualized, she is making herself sexualized. What a woman does with her body has no reaction or causation as to what happens to you. It is the men who see it and then are not mentally sound enough to understand the concept of consent, that is the issue, not the woman.
In all, I think it is disgusting the way people, especially people in the community, have been treating cam girls, some even blaming their own assaults or interactions on them, which is hurtful to see. Seeing such active sexism, even by other women or feminine presenting people, is just so strange to now see. I understand if something makes you uncomfortable, but it is okay to be uncomfortable, just do not take it out on people whom do not deserve it and maybe learn to accept the change of goth culture. After all trad goth has changed, why not allow fetish goth to change?
I didn’t speak until I was about six years of age, before that I hardly even made sounds other than crying. I did not accept my birth of life from a very young age. I felt betrayed and forced into a society in which I knew right from the start I would never truly fit into, in the conventional sense that is.
Thankfully, being born in the twenty-first century means I have options now. Back when I was a child though? It was way more easy. I say retard freely and without complaint. Being diagnosed with it until 2013 , where it basically became outlawed as a diagnosis , and replaced with another just as equally unfitting and over used label. Being labeled as someone with retardation made interaction so simple that I now envy my child self. Being labeled as such meant I did not have an expectation. I was able to do things yes, I wasn’t stupid, but this label made everyone have such low expectations of me where I was not expected to speak. So I happily didn’t to most people I came across, my family, teachers, any adult always saying “Oh it’s retarded, so it doesn’t speak much.” I hammed it up strongly, if I did speak it was nonsensical, rapid, manic, and quick. You couldn’t understand me. But if I didn’t speak you wouldn’t really notice I was there. Would all of this be due to some horribly depressive traumatic series of incidents from my youth? No, I simply hated speaking to people. I simply hated people.
But how could one be born with hatred? You didn’t seem hateful as a child! I thought living meant playing an elaborate game of pretend. I thought children played pretend so that they could get good at it as an adult and play pretend better. It made no sense to me otherwise. I pretended to be a child, I pretended to fear the dark as media depicted, I pretended to hate veggies, I pretended to be scared of the doctor. I didn’t care in all truth. I have always been a very apathetic person. I simply did not care.
As years went by, the longer and longer I could no longer use that excuse, I then relied on other means to get away from speaking and interacting with people. I’d skip school often, losing months worth of school. While at school, now as a teenager, I spoke and acted freely and happy, if anything I put on this whole show of being an eccentric loud mouth. It was fucking exhausting. I would do research. I would study how others acted, I took parts of which I found interesting but still socially acceptable, I morphed it into a character that I played in order to progress in society. I was playing pretend for a while before pretending to be sick to recover from the sickness that was acting.
I morphed it more and more as I got older. I enjoyed being a more taboo and provocative person. I played the role of the hyper pop whore who shows passion and courage for standing for whats right. Little did anyone know I did not care for what was right, I just followed what seemed to be controversial. I liked being in a small niche community. Sadly the pandemic hit and then that niche community became large and once again I was playing pretend for a very large audience and I was sick of it after only two years. I was doing good, I had a large following, I was working with multiple companies, I was making 2k a week. I quit. Why? Because it was so painfully boring to me. To act. To pretend to care. I didn’t. It is hard for me to.
After that slowly I started to focus on myself, I wanted to stop acting, but now from years of doing so, it was hard to stop. Thankfully I did finally figure out how to stop, and I realized, when I looked back on myself, on my youth, that I fucking hate people. That other people are not faking being happy and actually DO care about things, and that I was just born without many emotions to share. I realized that is okay and that I don’t have to pretend to be an average society member. I can just be myself, and be away from it, and still participate just so I can have some sort of semblance of what a life if I was more emotionally intelligent would be like.
While I no longer go out of my way to make friends anymore, while I hardly utter words to people other than my Butch and their family. I do not even fully consider myself mute as in I do not speak, I consider myself mute as in I am a being who remains in the background and is unnoticeable. It just so happens that I also hardly speak. Even when I do speak to my exceptions, my throat becomes itchy, I cough up phlegm, I take in deep breathes that would make you think I was being drowned. Psychosomatic? Maybe.
I think what has helped me fully accept this part of me, was being with someone who allowed me to be me and not put up a front about it. I can still feel joy, I can still feel sad, but it is limited to not often but in extremes. Being mute is not just being quiet and not speaking, it is a life style at this point for me.
Most wouldn’t understand the point in it, I write so why not speak? My writing is a different symptom all together however. Hypergraphia is something I have always lived with, I can not imagine my life without writing. I spend my days blogging, writing to my pen pals, writing in my diary, writing poetry, writing novellas. I won’t ever say that my written words speak for me, as I think it is more than corny, but I will say be grateful that you get to read my thoughts and not hear them in what can only be described as a racist character Puerto rican bronx accent if it wasn't for the fact I am a Puerto rican from the bronx.
I never liked my birthday, besides depressing trauma, December birthdays are hard. It’s too close to Christmas so if anyone does remember your birthday it is more than likely to be Christmas themed. It is not only cold, so enjoying the outdoors is not possible, but it has possibilities for snow which means if you host any event or even just want to go out to get cake, it makes roads dangerous and people cant show and you cant leave. Which really only leaves two options: Go somewhere there isn't snow, or celebrate your birthday on a different date, and I would rather die than travel out of the east coast of the united states. Unless it’s Alaska. I always wanted to go to Alaska.
It took me a few years to just be okay with my birthday. I no longer flew into fits of violent rage, but more so just dissociated out of boredom due to lack of options. So last year my partner asked what we can do to make me enjoy my birthday. I jokingly told them ‘If we celebrated it on a different date.’ when it then simultaneously hit us that...yes, that's actually a good idea.
Who is to say we need to subscribe to the exact date? If I want to have a different birthday, then I will. Yes, I won’t change my age, but it is still the event that truly matters. If something brings you discomfort, you need to acknowledge why. I did. You must then accept it and move on from it. I did. Then you can do things to change it if you want. Which, this past June 25th 2026, I did. The date has no meaning to me, it was just the first date that jumped into my mind when asked what date I would like to celebrate. Subconsciously I am sure I picked it because while living in Maine, I have come to the realization that things are really only open in the summer, if I wanted to go somewhere to do something. I’m sure there are other subconscious reasons, but the date is simply made up. If I wanted a special birthday I would have made the date the age I would be turning, or do some numerology, or have a leap year birthday.
When then prompted as to what I would want to do, months later when the date was closer, I said I wanted a summer camp themed birthday. I want to spend all my time outside as I never got to on my birthdays in the past due to weather. That I want to make things, I want to earn badges and learn new skills. I want to have a stress free day where there are choices I can make but they are on a list. Then comes the 25th and my loving partner gives me exactly that and more. They had made a whole list of options of things to do along with meal plans.
That day I learned how to finally properly use a drill and square and made a bird house, learned out to properly aim with a shooting contest, made a working mini tin radio, and even did more relax things like make large bubbles, and camp in the car in the woods. To make things better, the next day I got to sit and watch my partner play the newest chapter in deltarune, and while I couldn’t give two shits about the game, it was just a very nice equal balance of activity and focus on me and my joy, then relaxation and focus on them and their joy
.It also wasn’t only my partner who helped me celebrate, it was their parents who also loved the idea of me doing so and even gifted me flowers wishing me a happy birthday. Was this blog only to brag about how much fun I had? Partly. But It was also to mention how embarrassingly long it took for me to realize that not only do I not have to conform to gender and sex, I don’t have to conform to celebrating my birthday on the day or only a week early or late. I think more people should do this as I know a lot of people who also struggle with having birthdays on holidays, national tragedies, or just fucking hate their birthday. It is such a simple solution and I beg of you to explore that if you are like me as if I had done so sooner I would have been more healed mentally sooner.
Being a lesbian is so much more than a sexuality for me, it is a gender for not just myself but for my Owner as well. Lesbians come in many shapes, sizes, and identities. I just want to make my stance very clear that I am for all kinds of lesbians. I love Male lesbians, I love he/him lesbians. I love masc, butch, and stud lesbians. I love Bi lesbians. I love lesbians that have sex with men. I love lesbians who date men. I love fat lesbians. I love hairy lesbians. I love kinky lesbians. I love trans lesbians.
I love lesbians who are lesbians.
Lesbians are the smallest part of the LGBT community, so I am thankful every time I see a lesbian, that they are one. I do not care as to why they identify as a lesbian, but I would love to hear it. Everyone who is a lesbian has their own unique connection to lesbianism, so why not accept those who I might not completely understand. What is so hard to even understand though? Someone says they identify as a label, so what? That is all there is to it. The label is for them. Its only for you if you personally need it, and sometimes that happens. I personally only date other lesbians for that reason. I love dykes more than anything in the world. I would still say some bisexuals could be dykes, but I do love a lesbian dyke. I love my dyke.
Coming to terms with lesbianism was very quick and simple. I found out when I was very young, I still dated men just because I was bored and new it wouldn't ever go anywhere. I enjoy pretending to be human, playing along. Forming relationships and then dumping them, forming new ones, moving on. That pattern broke four years ago when I met my Butch(er). I didn't think it was possible for me to have empathy or care for a human being before, and yet suddenly I did. Learning that this is a natural emotion that most people are born having and have experienced most of their life with, I find it strange so many then scream and cry, putting negative energy into things that truly do not matter. A word.
The word holds meaning yes, but have you considered that word means something to that person as well? Lesbians come in many forms.We are far too few to attack others. Appreciate the ones still living first before you socially assassinate yourself due to your own personal highly specific morality. We are far too few to attack others.